Nope. Twitter ain't the platform to rant and vent it all out. So I shall blog it all out. Sigh. Been feeling so shitty these days. And I realise that being in a relationship is such an emotional rollercoaster ride. One minute you're feeling happy. And just one bad thing happening in you relationship can ruin every fucking mood you have. Maybe it's because of the expectations. The expectations you've placed in the relationship and in that someone special you call your partner. Maybe it's because that you actually expect so much from the person whom you feel is special, your partner that you get so disappointed so easily. Maybe you expect too much because you feel that that someone special is the one who ought to understand you the most. And when they don't meet up to your expectations, you feel so down because you feel that maybe they're not the one who understands you the most. Sigh, I guess so. That's what I feel.

But people say in a relationship, there ought to be more ups than downs. Or that the ups are worth more than the downs. But. I don't know. I'm always feeling so down. But that special person means so much to me and my feelings to him is so true. Maybe that's why I feel so down. But. I love that person, but being together is so hard. Because of what he does for his life. And I feel that he never understands me at all, even though he tries too. It's so hard. It's so complicated. I thought everything would be fine as long as that partner was/is someone I really love. And I thought that the problems were just minute and doesn't really matter. But I guess I thought wrong.

Sigh, what do I do now? To hold on or to give up?

There was one thing that I expected so much on. But it crashed and burnt. Birthday. What's the most heartbreaking thing that could possibly happen during your birthday. Well, most would've guessed "oh the typical, no birthday gifts". Oh no. Definitely not that. Imagine you're feeling happy and so excited. Because it's actually your special day and your big day. And even though you don't expect any celebrations and gifts or surprise, you'd still secretly happy even if you hated to turn older, just because it's your very special day. Obviously you'd feel special. And during midnight-ish. That someone special in your life actually called you. Initially, I was actually happy because I thought well, maybe he wanted to give me another birthday wish. But no, omg fuck no. He was crying and telling me every single thing that I do wrong or that I didn't do. So immediately I got sad and then my sadness turned into anger. I felt so..... Down that I just kept quiet and let him talk during the call. And when he finally ended the call, I realised that I had 3 viber missed calls from my little who was in Indonesia at that time. Can you imagine how I was feeling after feeling all that from the call? To miss 3 viber calls from your one and only sister and that viber was the only medium you could keep in contact with her. And that you miss her so fucking much. It aggravated my anger so much to another level I could never describe. And then he called me again, saying sorry that he was crying. And he could say "I'm sorry to spoil your day but..." Like omg, he knew he was going to. But why still? Sigh. And then thr he went again, saying out whatever. And each time we fight, he'd bring up "I've my problems and all, my family, my friends, my school" and all those shit. Every single fucking time we fight. I don't even fucking know why. Like come on, imagine, it's your birthday. And you'd feel so fucked receiving this from your partner, from the person you thought you could depend on most, from the person whom you thought understands you the most.

You kept saying that you can't afford to get me anything because you're tight on money. It's okey, because I don't need anything. But taking into account whatever surprise and gifts I've done for you, I didn't need any reason to do all those. But I did because I was sincere. And I'm not being calculative because I was really sincere in doing all those for you. But taking into account bout all those that I've done, you've never done any DIY gifts or surprise and such for me. Sometimes I don't even feel special. You said you didn't have the money, but at least a card? A birthday card to wish me a happy birthday? To give me something that I can keep till I grow old? As a reminiscence that at least the person I was in love with at that point of time remembers. But no, you just showed up to say sorry but you don't even know what you're sorry for. Sigh I don't know. I just felt so..... Not special to you. That you can't even go out of your ways and do something new and surprising for me. Sigh.

And they say that you're special when a guy actually cries for you or in front of you because they rarely cry. But. I don't feel special. Because you cry too easily. You cry every single time you have something wrong. And I don't even cry that much. I don't know how to handle your problems. I don't know how to feel good when I'm with you because you always make me feel down. Sigh I don't know. And I know this isn't just a one sided feeling. I know you're irritated by my actions and you might feel that I don't care. But I do, which is exactly why I'm feeling this way right now. I don't know. Why should we hold on when it's hurting the both of us. And when both of us are miserable in this. Why.

Sigh, such a bad start to November. But I'm hoping so much that things will get better in time. Because I really cannot handle these emotions and feelings. I don't even know why they even exist.

Goodnight, hello November.