I was crying badly yesterday, overwhelmed by so much negativity. I couldn't control myself so I just sat there, weeping. My heart hurt real bad. I was at the critical point where my tears wouldn't stop flowing when I realized I was in this familiar pair of arms. Familiar scent, familiar body. I couldn't help but to cry more because I knew it was you. We stayed silent for awhile, you kept keeping me tight in your arms, brushing my hair, kissing my forehead as I cried. I calmed down a little. You started telling me a story of how you met this special girl in your life. You remembered almost all the things we did, the little details. All the memories, all the things we did, you brought me back in time of how we've come this far. You made me realize how important you are to me, how important we are. You made me realize how important I am to you, and I couldn't help but to feel loved and blessed. Your arms are my shelter, being in them protects me from my weaknesses, hides me momentarily from my worst days, gives me strength to go through the toughest days. I wish I could be in your arms forever. I can't help but to fall so much more in love with you whenever you do all these. I can't help but to stick to you like a sticky glue because I find my strength in you. You bring out the best in me and I could never find anyone else who could do the same as you or better than you. I really owe you a big thank you. For every single thing. Even through the biggest fight, the toughest day, you'd be right here, literally. I am so in love with you, Nur Hakim. And I could never thank you enough for all the things we've been through, for all the times you've never fail to shelter and protect me from all the hurt. I love you, so much more than to the moon and back, till the end of time, till infinity where some infinities are bigger than other infinities. I like you, adore you, miss you, hate you, dislike you, but mostly love you.

You even had to choose between me or her. How was I not an option?

You deserve someone better, someone who appreciates you. Someone who'd always be there for you. I don't deserve to be that someone. Never will be able to. But still, my feelings have never changed.

No matter how much you try to convince me, I was still just an option to you.

I still love you, but I just can't commit to a relationship right now. I'm sorry.

I fucking miss you so much. I want you back, but thinking about this relationship makes me feel torn between two exact opposite feelings. Ugh.

I miss you. I miss you so fucking much.

I miss you. And I still do love you. My feelings have never changed or wavered. But I don't know if I can commit to you. Committing to a relationship is fine, but I doubt that I can commit to you.

You think I'm happy and I seem to be happy just because of my tweets and photos. But I actually do think about you and us at the end of the days. But I'm still confused as to whether we should continue or not.

I'm not hurt, I'm happy.

I may seem like I'm fine without you. Truth is, no. I think about almost all the time. When I'm happy, I think about how you're doing. When I'm sad, I wonder if you're hurting like me. At the end of everyday, I'll think of you and wonder bout how things should be by the end of this week. How we'd talk it out. How we'd figure this thing out. And it kinda scares me, thinking how you might react after this one week.

Nope. Twitter ain't the platform to rant and vent it all out. So I shall blog it all out. Sigh. Been feeling so shitty these days. And I realise that being in a relationship is such an emotional rollercoaster ride. One minute you're feeling happy. And just one bad thing happening in you relationship can ruin every fucking mood you have. Maybe it's because of the expectations. The expectations you've placed in the relationship and in that someone special you call your partner. Maybe it's because that you actually expect so much from the person whom you feel is special, your partner that you get so disappointed so easily. Maybe you expect too much because you feel that that someone special is the one who ought to understand you the most. And when they don't meet up to your expectations, you feel so down because you feel that maybe they're not the one who understands you the most. Sigh, I guess so. That's what I feel.

But people say in a relationship, there ought to be more ups than downs. Or that the ups are worth more than the downs. But. I don't know. I'm always feeling so down. But that special person means so much to me and my feelings to him is so true. Maybe that's why I feel so down. But. I love that person, but being together is so hard. Because of what he does for his life. And I feel that he never understands me at all, even though he tries too. It's so hard. It's so complicated. I thought everything would be fine as long as that partner was/is someone I really love. And I thought that the problems were just minute and doesn't really matter. But I guess I thought wrong.

Sigh, what do I do now? To hold on or to give up?

There was one thing that I expected so much on. But it crashed and burnt. Birthday. What's the most heartbreaking thing that could possibly happen during your birthday. Well, most would've guessed "oh the typical, no birthday gifts". Oh no. Definitely not that. Imagine you're feeling happy and so excited. Because it's actually your special day and your big day. And even though you don't expect any celebrations and gifts or surprise, you'd still secretly happy even if you hated to turn older, just because it's your very special day. Obviously you'd feel special. And during midnight-ish. That someone special in your life actually called you. Initially, I was actually happy because I thought well, maybe he wanted to give me another birthday wish. But no, omg fuck no. He was crying and telling me every single thing that I do wrong or that I didn't do. So immediately I got sad and then my sadness turned into anger. I felt so..... Down that I just kept quiet and let him talk during the call. And when he finally ended the call, I realised that I had 3 viber missed calls from my little who was in Indonesia at that time. Can you imagine how I was feeling after feeling all that from the call? To miss 3 viber calls from your one and only sister and that viber was the only medium you could keep in contact with her. And that you miss her so fucking much. It aggravated my anger so much to another level I could never describe. And then he called me again, saying sorry that he was crying. And he could say "I'm sorry to spoil your day but..." Like omg, he knew he was going to. But why still? Sigh. And then thr he went again, saying out whatever. And each time we fight, he'd bring up "I've my problems and all, my family, my friends, my school" and all those shit. Every single fucking time we fight. I don't even fucking know why. Like come on, imagine, it's your birthday. And you'd feel so fucked receiving this from your partner, from the person you thought you could depend on most, from the person whom you thought understands you the most.

You kept saying that you can't afford to get me anything because you're tight on money. It's okey, because I don't need anything. But taking into account whatever surprise and gifts I've done for you, I didn't need any reason to do all those. But I did because I was sincere. And I'm not being calculative because I was really sincere in doing all those for you. But taking into account bout all those that I've done, you've never done any DIY gifts or surprise and such for me. Sometimes I don't even feel special. You said you didn't have the money, but at least a card? A birthday card to wish me a happy birthday? To give me something that I can keep till I grow old? As a reminiscence that at least the person I was in love with at that point of time remembers. But no, you just showed up to say sorry but you don't even know what you're sorry for. Sigh I don't know. I just felt so..... Not special to you. That you can't even go out of your ways and do something new and surprising for me. Sigh.

And they say that you're special when a guy actually cries for you or in front of you because they rarely cry. But. I don't feel special. Because you cry too easily. You cry every single time you have something wrong. And I don't even cry that much. I don't know how to handle your problems. I don't know how to feel good when I'm with you because you always make me feel down. Sigh I don't know. And I know this isn't just a one sided feeling. I know you're irritated by my actions and you might feel that I don't care. But I do, which is exactly why I'm feeling this way right now. I don't know. Why should we hold on when it's hurting the both of us. And when both of us are miserable in this. Why.

Sigh, such a bad start to November. But I'm hoping so much that things will get better in time. Because I really cannot handle these emotions and feelings. I don't even know why they even exist.

Goodnight, hello November.

Labels: buck teeth

HIYA! These few days are um kinda exciting and fun for me? Hehhhhhhhh I still love my babies! Tml's science UT. Guess Imma flunk it? Lol k. Deactivated FB too, so yeahhhhhhh. But so many people asked me to reactivate it back. :/ This is what happens when you're the photographer for almost everythingggggg! Been texting H these few days, I think he's very sweet! And he's very different when it gets late at night! I like it when he gets annoyed too! Hehehe love him lah! <3 And yeah, Y too. He's funny and malay-ish and lame at times. He likes to bite me too! T.T Okey lahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. All my babies, of course I like to talk to them right? Hehehehe

Been hanging out with the class alotttt! Totally love them! They're like the sunshine in my rain. I love them maxxxxxxxx. But it's so sadddd, we're gonna be separated after Monday :( I'm really gonna miss them so much, especially all those prominent ones! Gonna miss my since-first-day bimbos, Ting and Ganneh so damn much! Racial Harmony!! ;) And not to forget Riri, and Jizz too! Omg, I've grown attached to so many of them, can't bear to leave them! Been hugging like everyone nowadays, I just love hugs! Especially those long ones, and when the other person hugs you so tightly and lifts you up! Ganneh and Yan did that! Was so damn awesome, I really love that feeling! Omg, I think I'll cry on monday! :((( I really love them so much, been so close, now we're gonna separate. Sighhhhhhhhhhhh, but nonetheless, I still hope everyone does well for their UT3 to pull up their other marks! I luv you guys deep deep! Please don't forget each other even after separated okey!

SOME OVERDUE-D PHOTOS!

HI YEOM! Hehe, didn't update ytd cause was too tired, didn't even do my RJ and quiz. GG! Today had communication, nothing much. Stayed in class after school for awhile, watched "Last excorsism" with Ganesan, Sak, Aishah, Hassan, Sufian, Melvyn. And Jing Ri, tho he left halfway! Haha, freaking shocking and gross! My heart nearly stopped and jumped out of my body! Esp when ASSHOLE Hassan freaking scared us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, yea didn't go for the bbq, cause was too tired. Went home and now, gonna turn in soon! ;) Baby, not coming home tonight too booooooooooooo!
So yea, after rugby training, went to imm to meet my babos! And you know what! I was supposed to alight at jurong east and walk/bus-ed to imm. But I went to take the train to joo koon(cause thats whr I'll always take) luckily I realised early and alighted at chinese garden and went back to jurong east. Then when it reached jurong east, I was busy tweeting. After a long time then I realised I had to alight. Wtffffffffffff I freaking noob siaaaaaa! So embarrassing sia! Met my babos! love them so much! Miss them fucking much too! Grr, after a longggggggggg time then we got to meet! Finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okey, then reached home at around 11 plus, no time do RJ -.- So didn't do lor!

okey, HI! :) Dita brought her instax cam to school today, so we took photos. Haha sadly, thr were only four films left. Next time we bring our own film okey! Hehehehe. So yea, today was freaking tiring and sleepy. My fault for sleeping late anw. Went home, bathed and slept. woke up at 9.30pm just now to do homeworks. Not gonna study anymore. Sigh, to tired!

Afternoon! ;) Neh, boring science now! Feel like sleeping! Told Rif was gonna sleep at around 12am just now but slept at 3.30am instead, less than 2 hours of sleep. Nearly late to school, forgot to eat vitamin c, forgot to bring bottle :/ Maybe gonna meet later after school. Forgot to ask mum and dad money to top up ez link. Siannnnnnnnnnnnn gonna buy the concession again soon! ;)

Okey. So I read my last posts before leaving this blog. And I think I was so kiddy last time and lame. Hahahahaha okey lazy delete-.-

i lost my wallet with my IC inside. Fuck. k bye.

well, whaddya know!
im back and kickin again! comp's finally okey.
but for godsake, it's laggy and being such an arse!

been coping well with studies now. my design journal v.pretty lehhhhhhh^^
okey. bye.

hihihihi:) gonna go out these few days gonna get a new number/phone tml heh heh. so sister got into westwood. harhar. only one year same school then i graduate. that is IF i pass my Os. hoho. gonna get christmas presentsssssssss at vivo later on, alrd ordered cakes and fooooooooood. so 25th's gonna be a blast, minus two families:'(

so yeahhh, created tumblr. for fun>>tumblr. so the cacatz siaaa. herherrr. gonna meet my two bestfs sooooooonest! lovelove:))))))